singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
