there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
