Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
then he tried to convert me to islam
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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