you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
