You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
