I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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