I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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