These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
