filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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