Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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