you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
