The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
