I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
