Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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