At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
