Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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