i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Text me some of your sweat
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
