question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
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What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
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Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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