That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
