i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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