Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
