I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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