This is not my ceiling
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
