just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Hippo gnu deer
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
