Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
