if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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