So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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