that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
