i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
