Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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