If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
