wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
