New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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