honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The beer is more important than you right now.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
