U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
