Only a mothe r could love this liver
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
