So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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