This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
