I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
