Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I AM VODKA MAN
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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