Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
