This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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