my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
