she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
