Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
