i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
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i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
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You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there