You really coming over, don't trick.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
