at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
