I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I have already put on my inside pants.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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