6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
