I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We were destined to go to rehab together
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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