i just sent this text using only my big toe
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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