Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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