Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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