so explain again why im purple
no
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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