Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
