please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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