Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
worst night to have a conscience
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
