i need an iv and a liver transplant
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
